by Frank | Mar 7, 2012 | Books, Writing
‘And now my darlings,’ the estate agent turned and spread his arms wide, ‘the pièce de résistance.’ The easy prey followed him into the room.
Too many bankers and their dull grey suits today, the estate agent thought, not enough billionaire colour. He’d strung these two along with his bitchy queen routine for far too long already. Although he didn’t have to act too hard he had to admit.
He watched the couple blink at the blinding summer light blasting in from the two-storey lounge windows behind him. Enough. He wanted their money. He wanted it now.
‘Come with me you lovely people,’ he strutted between them, placed his hands on their backs, and moved them deeper into the sumptuous space. ‘Could this glorious penthouse actually be yours? The views, oh, the views, are all money,’ he said. ‘Canary Wharf and Greenwich in one direction, and, in the other? A skyline to die for, the Houses of Parliament, Big Ben, the London Eye, the bridges.’
He pressed a button on a small white box, the shadows moved.
‘And there’s the remote controlled skylights in every room, of course.’
The ceiling wide array of mechanised blinds slid smoothly back to reveal a glass roof and ever more sky. They stood transfixed.
‘You’ve surpassed yourself,’ the woman said. ‘How soon—’
The estate agent waved a finger, ‘Oh no, my dear, it’s not that easy. This is the palace for the kings of the castle. Residents approval only. But as I am the estate agent to the stars, for you, it shouldn’t be a problem. You really won’t believe who the neighbours are.’
‘Oh, Michael,’ she said and gripped her partner’s arm. ‘It’s what we’ve always wanted, isn’t it darling?’
The estate agent beamed at them. Skirt on the hook, it was time for the fat-cat in the oh-so-predictable striped shirt and pink tie. He turned his mascaraed eyes towards Michael, ‘Come on, stud-muffin,’ he gestured his head at the apartment, ‘you know you want it.’
Michael rocked on his heels, looked at her for a moment too long. The estate agent saw nothing nice in the man’s eyes.
‘I want it? Sure Jo, it’ll go with our town house, the country house, the yacht, the cars, the vineyard in France—’ He shook his head.
‘Michael,’ she said, a warning edge to her voice. ‘That’s the business, this, this is our place together. Our palace together.’
‘Yes, of course…my love.’ He turned his back on her, puffed his chest, and addressed the estate agent. ‘It’s a cock-swinging joint alright. How much is it going to hurt?’
Without warning she span Michael round and swung an open hand at his face. (more…)
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by Frank | May 5, 2011 | How to Drive a Tank..., Reader's Questions, Writing
Just in time for Father’s Day the paperback for How to Drive a Tank… is now out and available to order via Amazon and other online retailers as well as any good local bookshop. So after two years in hardback I thought I’d share two of my favourite emails from readers. I’ll share more in future.
And if you’re one of the people who is thinking of emailing me about an adventure you have in mind, please, just do it. I regularly receive requests and read all of them if even I can’t guarantee I can actually take part.
From Stephen (one of my most recent reader reviews):
Hi Frank, Read your book and loved it. Very funny thing happened though; on the day that I bought it, I had planned in advance to (that day) write to Charles Bronson and recommend that with all his spare time he start doing yoga instead of his ten million sit ups a day routine (Yoga has a bad image problem but I do it and LOVE it!!). Then as I was flicking through the book in the bookshop I stumbled across the ‘Yoga for psychopaths chapter…Bizarre!!! Anyway my real motivation for writing is that yesterday I saw that James May (one of the three old sad pretend irreverent from Top Gear, or is it ‘Last of The Summer Wine?), has written (or at least had GHOST-written) a rip off copy of your book called ‘How to land a 330 Bomber and other tips for the modern gent’ and it was in a far more prominent position in the shop. Sadly it seems that Marketing, Plagiarism Capitalism and Brand names are more important than originality and creativity. Sue him if you can! Best wishes and Regards Stephen. P.S. Found the assertiveness bit in your book very helpful in dealing with mad ex girlfriend who I am forced to have contact with.
From Allan (one of my first reader reviews):
Dear Frank I recently bought your `How to drive a tank,’ book, and have to say its one of the best reads I’ve had in a long time. I’ve laughed more reading this book then I have with television lately, and some of the situations you talk about just made me fall flat on the floor ( or laugh very hard on the bus). As a 16 year old lad who is constantly seeking knowledge I must admit I was drawn to `make things go boom,’. You can be sure that if there are women screaming and running away at a party, I am now officially the cause. My girlfriend is now the owner of the book, she has a good laugh at the sexual chapters and particularly loves your introduction to `laughing and crying,’. I don’t mind the fact she keeps telling me I’m going to die one day, but must she be so upfront about it? Thanks for a great read that I am sure will be read many times. From your newest fan.
It’s always brilliant to receive your emails, so do keep them coming. Thanks a million, Frank.
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Writer, Entrepreneur, Speaker, Father.
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